Feedback..

I felt so touched with the feedback that i received from one of my lecturer regarding my perception on elective. It motivates me:)

Dear Ummu Afeera

Wa..salam wrb

I have read whole 6 pages- its like a reflective diary rather than a perception. I appreciate your feelings to become a NOBLE MUSLIM doctor- and I can't say any consolation words for the bad things you have experienced- these are normal/natural matters that happens in hospitals in many parts of the world- but in my experience I have also seen the thing the opposite in some instances- 'A doctor ia an angel - next to GOD'.

So you have to be very careful in this 'slippery world'- as you said 'to beautify iman in my heart'- try to practice that very hard - your AD will help you to be away from all evils. Dont worry about learning- if you are in the right track, Allah will help/guide you to become a NOBLE MUSLIM doctor, insAllah.

I will pray for your mental peace and deep feelings/understanding for the underserved and be away from worsts

I am really happy to read your 'perception' beyond elective2- your English not that bad.

Thanks. Keep up Ummu!!

nasrin

Last...

Procedure

I have a lot of opportunity to perform and observe procedure. I really want to be good in my skill. I had seen a doctor who doesn’t know how to intubate a child here. Soon later I heard that the child had died. I also see one doctor that noticed that there is ST elevation in a patient that alleged a motor vehicle accident. The doctor doesn’t start streptokinase or anything to manage that condition. Later patient died because of cardiogenic shock. I am afraid if I became like those doctors. Maybe I made a wrong judgment as I did not know much. Hopefully Allah will give me more knowledge and wisdom.

During my electives also, I met few doctors who always love to teach and good in their practice. I wish that I can become like that.

Last

I wrote a very long perception and my English was terrible. My writing will make the one that read it had a great migraine. It’s better to stop here. The great lesson that I learn from my elective is that Allah knows. Allah knows the best place that I should go. I hate this place but it teaches me a lot.

But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not. (Albaqarah:216)

Teacher...

I met two of my teacher in hospital. One of them was shocked to see me. I believe that I am the worst student that she had ever had. Long time ago, I quarreled with her during assembly as I don’t agree with her rules. She teaches me Al Quran Sunnah. I also once asked her the reason to study all that as it will never benefit me. Once a time I hate Islam. I have the knowledge but I hate it. But Allah changes me. I think she is happy to see that I have change. I also missed her and I really hope to see her again as I want to ask for her forgiveness for all my wrong doing. I hope that Allah made me istiqamah in this road forever.


I also met another teacher but I don’t introduce myself. She brought her father to hospital and he cursed her a lot. I don’t want her to know that I am her student as it will make her embarrassed.

Retinoblastoma..

I knew about retinoblastoma through my reading from Reader’s Digest. The story is about how one picture save a life.

I met one baby during my elective. The baby’s eyes look abnormal to me. When I asked the mom, she said that her baby has retinoblastoma and is under HKL follow-up.

Sometimes Allah teaches us certain thing beautifully.

I remember Prof Latiff’s question on Ramsay-Hunt Syndrome and I met one case on that. I am excited as I know the diagnosis when my external supervisor asked about it. But I forgot cranial nerve examination. I am blurred at that time that cranial nerve seven is facial nerve. Allah teaches me a lesson. Allah doesn’t want me to be proud about myself.

But sometimes medicine gives me satisfaction. There is one old lady came with left-sided weakness. The doctor suspected that she is having CVA and want to discharge her after giving a referral letter and medication. I examine that patient before as I did an ECG on her. At that time, I saw that her breast already ulcerated and I know that she had breast carcinoma and it already metastasized to brain. I told the doctor about that. The doctor did an examination and then she was admitted to surgical ward.

I am not a doctor yet but I can feel ‘something’ that made me happy.

Memorable moment...

I prayed to Allah to beautify iman in my heart. The most memorable moment during my elective happened in Ramadan. I can felt that Allah is so close to me.

When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant whe1n he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way. (Surah Al Baqarah:186)

In that verse Allah said that He is close to His servant. Allah knows everything. No matter what, inside or out, there is one thing of which there is no doubt, Allah knows.

Being in A&E made me familiar with death. And sometimes death was something normal for me.

There once I see a Chinese patient died. I do not feel anything. No sense of empathy in the children who pay tribute at his father's last. I do not feel anything.

I also saw an Indian family mourn the death of their mother. Worst, I smiled at that time. Why do they act like this? I can felt that my heart becoming likes a stone with every passing day. I whisper to Allah that I should not become like this

"O Allah, does my heart getting sicker?”

No doubt that Allah listens to our whisper. Allah gave me one experience to teach me about death.

That morning there was a young woman brought into Red Zone. She had a difficulty in breathing. But doctors do not perform active management because she was diagnosed with colorectal carcinoma. She is on palliative care. No CPR, nothing to do. They just fit instruments to take readings of Sp02 and blood pressure. They also put cardiac monitor in her chest. Then everyone left. Everybody knows she will eventually go whatsoever. I was left alone with her at that time.

I can see that the heart beat is gradually decreasing. Allah inspires me to recite syahadah in her ears. Honestly I never saw any dying human before and that was my first experience.

What happened? Although these women are not moving, her pupil already dilated but each time syahadah being recited, her heart beat will increase, become static and then back down. That happened several times. It made me feels so afraid, I started to cry. Everyone said that a doctor should not cry but I am terribly afraid. I could feel the woman struggled with the agony. I also feel that the angel of death is too close to me. I do not know the explanation of what happened from the medical point of view. Doctors have also mentioned about the PEA but I do not really understand it. I continue reading Lailahaillallah. Finally, her heart rate down to 30 and then become asystole showing that she is death.

Each soul has its Given Date. Her soul already meets with its Eternal Fate. I then helped remove all equipment is in patient's body. I tried all my best efforts to remove it slowly. Her mother came in at that moment. I cannot utter a word. I hate myself. Sometimes I am weak and I felt that I cannot become a doctor. I am not professional. Only Allah knows the reason behind everything. Only Allah knows why He chose me to become a doctor.

That woman was only 34 year old. She is so young. It made me think about something. Tomorrow could be my Day. Who know?

After completion of my business, I run to the prayer room. That Dhuha prayer is the most meaningful Dhuha prayer in my life, hoping for mercy and forgiveness from Allah.

The story doesn’t stop there. Back from the prayer room, I continue my task as usual. There is a PC that open reading AlQuran and Allah gave me a strong jolt when the reading that time - kullu nafsin dzaiqatul maut - every soul will taste death. I can feel that Allah is very close. I am afraid with what had happen. Allah knows that I am getting worst everyday and He remind me with the experience.

Bullying..

There is one patient admitted to yellow zone. He is having seizure and he looks restless. The doctor suspected that he is having meningoencephalitis. His parent looks so worried. But what happen behind the curtain made me terribly sad. The MAs slap him, pinch his nose and put their leg in the patient’s face. I cannot believe my eyes and I am sad that I cannot do anything.

I do not know whether that was a treatment or something because there is also one incident involves one female patient. She had syncope. The nurses and the MAs said that she is lying. They pinch the patient’s nose and her nail. Then they used syringe and gushed water in the patient eyes. After that, the patient wakes up. Huhu… I don’t really understand whether that was ‘treatment’ or anything else.

Bad communication skill...

There is one Indian women and she had cervical carcinoma. She is on morphine and she needs to take it for every four hours. She came to hospital as the medication was not enough. She complains of having body ache. The doctor screamed at the patient and said that she was also having body ache. I just want to scream at the doctor back and said that she is having cancer and you don’t have it. It was totally a different thing. But of course I am just a medical student and I cannot do anything.

There is also one Malay doctor who used ‘I’ and ‘you’ to communicate to old Malay patient. I felt that I want to slap her so that she can speak Malay properly. She doesn’t even touch her patient. I just cannot believe my eyes to see all these kinds of doctors in the hospital.

Haya (Shyness)

The Prophet (saws) has said in one hadith, "When there is no haya left, then do as you please."

I am sad and sometimes stress when I see that there is no more shyness in one self.

Being in hospital made me asking Allah every time to put haya in my heart. I am sad when I see one nurse talk about dirty thing to MAs. I am sad when one MA asks a nurse to open her cloth as there is blood stained in her cloth. I am sad when one doctor makes a joke and said that a man is always ‘active’ and a woman is always ‘passive’ in bed.

I do not know if this culture was normal in hospital. Touching among genders seems to be normal in hospital. And of course no one is guarding their gaze. I keep on asking myself whether this is the place that I want to be. I felt that everyone is losing their track in hospital. Everyone is becoming worst in hospital.

I do not know whether I can become a good practicing Muslim when I was in hospital. I asked Allah for strength. I will choose a place where there is a good friend for my horsemanship so that there is someone to remind me. May Allah beautify haya in my heart.

1 Malaysia..

I met one Indian friend here. She was studying medicine in Russia. The nurses are totally biased. Sometimes they scolded her without purpose. She evens cried to me. She said that the idea of 1 Malaysia is bullshit.

I agreed to her statement. Sometimes the nurses will scold the Indian patient and talk badly about Indian patient in front of my friend.

There was one time a Chinese lady quarreled with the MA as he speaks rudely to her. The lady evens said to the MA that he spoke nicely to Malay patient but not the Chinese.

I think it was a great disaster when someone does not really practicing Islam. I am sad with what had happened.

Back..

I don't really want to open back this blog. But maybe my experience can benefit others. I share my elective experience here. Shh..

Moses Maimonides prayer.

I would like to thank Dr Musa for teaching me such a great prayer when I was in pediatric posting. That was my first and the most memorable posting.

When I was alone in hospital, I always remember the prayer. Life was really tough. Sometimes I thought that I want to quit doing medicine but this prayer came to me and inspire me to move on.

There was one time I introduced my self thrice to one doctor, she doesn’t even uttered a word. It was such an embarrassing moment as everyone was looking at me.

I was also being scolded by nurses for so many times whenever I failed to insert brannula or do the catheterization. Sometimes the nurses will frighten me by taking my hand to insert the branulla so that I understand the pain. I already underwent one operation and I knew the pain. I do not have an intention to create pain to patient but somehow I am not so good in my skill. Sometimes I do not have a confidence to move on but this prayer will motivates me back.

It’s good to be in CUCMS when my lecturer is not only preparing me for the academic purpose but also to face the reality of challenging medicine world. Thanks Dr Musa for teaching me such a great prayer.