Paint...

Sometimes i felt terribly down but Allah is always there for me. I cried most of the time in pain. Today Allah shows me one website. When i discover about the website, i felt that it was such a great blessing from Allah. I started to look my problems from Islamic perspective. I understand right now that my condition is a blessing from Allah. I am facing the same problem that was faced by the Ummahatul Mukminin.

I am trying to give myself another 2 years to improve my health. I plan to work in other country after 6 years if there are no changes. I need a place where i can forget about my condition. I need a place where i can start my new life without any judgement from other peoples. I need a place where i can give my life truly for Islam. I am planning and Allah is the best planner.

We are just the brushes for the Painter to paint His light.

O Allah, don’t put my affairs in my hands even a blink of my eyes.

Best...

I love a time when I am alone and I have no one else with me. At that time, I remember Allah better. I love talking to Allah when I am alone. I love talking to Allah whenever everyone was sleeping. I always want a time that is specially dedicated to Allah.

There was a time when I felt so jealous when I saw my friends doing qiamullail. I know I should’nt have such feeling.But I am always afraid if Allah don’t loves me anymore.

My pain recurs and it getting worse everyday. I am happy for that. I remember Allah better. I am happy when my faith was tested. I am happy when Allah gives me difficulty in life.

I love one prayer that I heard from Anwar Awlaki’s lecture:

O Allah, don’t put my affairs in my hands even a blink of my eyes.

The prayer has such a great meaning for me. When I understand that prayer, I will never ask Allah to cure me, but I am only asking Allah to give me the best thing in life. Pain might be the thing for me right now..

Weaknesses...

My friend wrote one article and it was really a beautiful article. If you could understand Malay, I would prefer you to read that article. The article is about a mountain. When you look at the mountain from far, it was really beautiful. And we you look it closely, there was nothing there. The same thing goes to human. When you look at certain human, you were inspired. But then when you look at him/her closely, you will find a lot of weaknesses in him/her.

The article made me do a reflection about my weaknesses. Allah was the only one who knows about my sins and weaknesses. I felt that the article is a good reflection for all the people that venture the world of dakwah. As I said to Anies that left a comment in my blog, don’t ever judge people by his/her blog. I am not a good person to write about Islam. My weaknesses is more that my strength but the responsibility that I have made me to keep on giving for the sake of the ummah.

I also believe in one thing. Every human should accept others weaknesses. It is really an important concept. You cannot live in this world if you can’t accept others weaknesses. You can’t work if you expect others to be a perfect human. You can’t tolerate to your partner if you can’t accept his/her weaknesses.

But that should not be a reason for always doing a mistake. One should always try to improve their selves. I hope that the journey of tarbiah made me a better person.

Week 7 Pediatric Posting...

Academic Account

This week was a laughing week for me. I shouldn’t laugh a lot. Since small I had a problem to control my emotion. Sometimes I am so sad. Sometimes I am terribly happy. I can’t describe about myself.

My english was terrible. Dr. Norra also laughs whenever I pronounce English word wrongly. Café au lait spot become café au lait sput. Babbling become bubbling. Pink become pinks. Everything becomes haywire. I knew few languages but the most terrible one was English even though I already learn it since I was in standard 1. I hate English. I agree that English is a crazy language.

I should improve my English for the sake of the ummah.

S- Knew few languages
W – English was terrible
O – Speaks and read more
T – Bring the ummah down

Non Academic Account

I already said that I should not laugh terribly. I went for Dr Hafidzi’s lecture regarding Palestin. He told about Salahuddin Al Ayyubi. Salahuddin will only eat one type of food. He doesn’t like to smile very much. Whenever people ask him, he said that – how can I smile when Palestin was under the crusades?

I am sad about Ramadhan. I am not thinking much about my brothers and sisters who was terribly tortured in other country. Taqwa seem was far away from me. I am saddd….

S- Good role model – Salahuddin Al Ayyubi
W – My Ramadhan seem terrible
O - Pray for my brothers and sisters
T – How I am going to stand in front Allah when I just left my brother and sisters that was tortured terribly?

Week 6 Pediatric Posting...

Academic Account

I don’t really had idea to write. Everything was moving smoothly. I had already been in pediatric posting for 6 weeks. I think that I will miss pediatric posting. I enjoyed following ward round but I am little bit tired.

I believe that everything that happens in my life is a blessing. Allah put me in that situation must be for reason. Allah must want me to learn and respect more about my life…. perhaps Allah wants to test my patience… Allah wants to remind me… or perhaps that calamity for pay owe because of some particular sins that I did... My life belongs to Allah...

S – Enjoy ward round
W – Not feeling well and tired easily
O – Final Exam
T – Tiredness

Non Academic Account

I enjoyed Ramadhan. I always felt that Ramadhan runs very quickly and left me. I am sad that I am busy with my workload everyday. But I should not be secular to think that the work that I do is not an ibadah.

I hope that I can meet LaitulQadr. I am hoping for maghfirah in this month.

Ramadhan is actually a time of increased activity wherein the believer, now lightened of the burdens of constant eating and drinking, should be more willing to strive and struggle for Allah. The Prophet, sallallahu `alaihi wa sallam, passed through approximately nine Ramadans after the Hijrah. They were filled with decisive events and left us a shining example of sacrifice and submission to Allah.

S – Ramadhan
W- Busyness
O – 10 last day of Ramadhan
T – Don’t get anything from this months.

Pledge
I should strive and struggle for Allah.

Week 5 Pediatric Posting..

Academic Account

Everyone was asking about pediatric posting. I don’t really understand the rumors. I don’t have a time to thinks about that. Even if I knew the problems, I don’t think that I can do much.

I don’t really have a proper way to manage my time. I am trying all the times. I am really touch with the words that uttered by Prof A. What is your driving force in life? If it was Islam, then you will find that it was really easy to finish reading medical book, to write a long case, to prepare for TBL and the list goes on…

I already push myself to the fullest. Sometimes I felt exhausted. But I tried to continue. I don’t have a proper thought in medicine. Sometimes I felt that I am not qualified to do medicine. But Prof A said that he has no doubt about our brain. Maybe I should force myself more.

I am improving in my history taking method. Now I need to increase my knowledge. I agree with what Prof R said about us that we had problem in ‘retention’ the knowledge. I need to improve my physical examination skill also.

S – Great neurons created by Allah
W- Retention the knowledge
O- Study more
T – Busy life

Non Academic Account

I am tired. But I tried to motivate myself with what Syed Qutb said. Life is hard. But if I compare it with Jannah, then I will find the road that I take is easy.

I am not using my time to play around. I have a work that I need to do for the sake of the ummah. Sometimes I felt tired to follow the path. The path that I took, the journey that I went sometimes made me down. I am still trying to manage my time. I was still trying to boost myself.

Shaykh ‘Abdullah Yusuf ‘Azzam rahimahullah said, “The ( Jihad) ,was a market that opened. People made a lot of money, and then the market closed.” It’s not going to last forever; if you sit behind, if you hesitate, if you are reluctant, then you will miss out because the chance only comes once”.

I really hope that Allah helps me in my journey. As a Muslim I need to believe that this Ummah will be victorious. May Allah help me in my study as I find it was hard.

S- Allah
W – Laziness
O- Ramadhan
T – Not performing in Ramadhan.

Pledge
I hope that I can continuous working hard. I hope that Ramadhan can become a great motivation for me.

Week 4 Pediatric Posting...

Academic Account

Alhamdulillah, I learn a lot of things this week. I present 3 times this week but I only have courage to ask mark from Prof K. I am still afraid with the specialist in Serdang but still I like them very much. I am enjoying my life. There are so many things to learn.

I came to hospital today. I had an opportunity to follow Dr F round with my other 3 friends. I learn abdomen examination. I saw a dengue hemorrhagic patient with “white islands in the sea of red”. Then I manage to see hemangioma, Mongolian spot and Thalassemia patient.

Dr F also brought four of us to NICU. The most touching part was when she explained to one couple about their baby. The child was diagnosed with Down syndrome. For me, there are so many things to learn. I am inspired with the specialist here for many reasons especially about their knowledge. The way they look at the baby and know that the baby had Down syndrome was so amazed. Allah creates humans with such a good brain so that they can contribute to ummah. Being a medical student also made me realize about Allah AlQahhar, the Subduer of His creatures by His sovereign authority and power and the Disposer of them as He pleases, with and against their will.

Do they seek other than the religion of Allah, while to Him submitted all creatures in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly. And to Him shall they all be returned.
[Ale Imran: 83]

S – Great neurons created by Allah
W- Easily stress and sad
O- Learn in the hospital
T – Laziness

Non Academic Account

Alhamdulillah, we had entered the months of Ramadhan. It was really a great month and I hope that I can work very hard in this month. I hope that I can do something for the ummah in the future. Today, I will go Surau Ansar, Keramat. There will be a program there with other usrah member. I also had an opportunity to meet my junior.

Sometimes it was little bit tired. But I remember the things said by Prof L This was the nature of Islam. It is about working and a continous working situation. Islam doesn’t allow us to rest and sometimes our life is not ours anymore.

In Surah Insyirah Allah stated:
7. Therefore, when thou art free (from thine immediate task), still labour hard,
8. And to thy Lord turn (all) thy attention.

S- Good lecturer
W – Laziness
O- Seek more programmes
T – Not istiqamah

Pledge
I hope that I can do well in Ramadhan.

Prayer of a great physician...

Thanks a lot to Prof M for teaching us this prayer..Moses Maimonides Prayer had gave me a great motivation when i faced difficulty in my daily life as medical student...

Daily prayer of a great physician

-may Allah grant me strength to be a beneficial human being and His good servant to look after the mankind


Almighty God, Thou has created the human body with infinite wisdom.

Ten thousand times ten thousand organs hast Thou combined in it that act unceasingly and harmoniously to preserve the whole in all its beauty the body which is the envelope of the immortal soul.

They are ever acting in perfect order, agreement and accord.

Yet, when the frailty of matter or the unbridling of passions deranges this order or interrupts this accord, then forces clash and the body crumbles into the primal dust from which it came.

Thou sendest to man diseases as beneficent messengers to foretell approaching danger and to urge him to avert it.

Thou has blest Thine earth, Thy rivers and Thy mountains with healing substances; they enable Thy creatures to alleviate their sufferings and to heal their illnesses.

Thou hast endowed man with the wisdom to relieve the suffering of his brother, to recognize his disorders, to extract the healing substances, to discover their powers and to prepare and to apply them to suit every ill.

In Thine Eternal Providence Thou hast chosen me to watch over the life and health of Thy creatures.

I am now about to apply myself to the duties of my profession.

Support me, Almighty God, in these great labors that they may benefit mankind, for without Thy help not even the least thing will succeed.

Inspire me with love for my art and for Thy creatures.

Do not allow thirst for profit, ambition for renown and admiration, to interfere with my profession, for these are the enemies of truth and of love for mankind and they can lead astray in the great task of attending to the welfare of Thy creatures.

Preserve the strength of my body and of my soul that they ever be ready to cheerfully help and support rich and poor, good and bad, enemy as well as friend. In the sufferer let me see only the human being.

Illumine my mind that it recognize what presents itself and that it may comprehend what is absent or hidden.

Let it not fail to see what is visible, but do not permit it to arrogate to itself the power to see what cannot be seen, for delicate and indefinite are the bounds of the great art of caring for the lives and health of Thy creatures.

Let me never be absent-minded.

May no strange thoughts divert my attention at the bedside of the sick, or disturb my mind in its silent labors, for great and sacred are the thoughtful deliberations required to preserve the lives and health of Thy creatures.

Grant that my patients have confidence in me and my art and follow my directions and my counsel.

Remove from their midst all charlatans and the whole host of officious relatives and know-all nurses, cruel people who arrogantly frustrate the wisest purposes of our art and often lead Thy creatures to their death.

Should those who are wiser than I wish to improve and instruct me, let my soul gratefully follow their guidance; for vast is the extent of our art.

Should conceited fools, however, censure me, then let love for my profession steel me against them, so that I remain steadfast without regard for age, for reputation, or for honor, because surrender would bring to Thy creatures sickness and death.

Imbue my soul with gentleness and calmness when older colleagues, proud of their age, wish to displace me or to scorn me or disdainfully to teach me.

May even this be of advantage to me, for they know many things of which I am ignorant, but let not their arrogance give me pain.

For they are old and old age is not master of the passions.

I also hope to attain old age upon this earth, before Thee, Almighty God!

Let me be contented in everything except in the great science of my profession.

Never allow the thought to arise in me that I have attained to sufficient knowledge, but vouchsafe to me the strength, the leisure and the ambition ever to extend my knowledge.

For art is great, but the mind of man is ever expanding.

Almighty God! Thou hast chosen me in Thy mercy to watch over the life and death of Thy creatures.

I now apply myself to my profession.

Support me in this great task so that it may benefit mankind, for without Thy help not even the least thing will succeed.

Week 3 Pediatric Posting..

Week 3 Pediatric Posting..

Academic Account

Alhamdulillah, I am already in third week of pediatric posting. I am now clear with the system after Prof A explain it during CBC. Now only I can appreciate about my life in Serdang.

Hmm..I felt very lucky when Dr N asks me to present about Leptospirosis. I volunteer to present about it during the grand ward round. Dr N asked me about the history of Leptospirosis itself after the presentation. I could not remember much. Then she asked us about the important of history so that we have insight. She said that she can still remember her difficulty during her pre clinical year even though she was the Head of Department of Pediatric now. It teaches me to appreciate history.

I followed clinic with Dr. K. She asked me to plot growth chart and also ask me to perform respiratory examination on patient. I also had the opportunity to use otoscope. I also had opportunity to use scope to look at a patient that had allergic rhinitis.

It is great week.

S – I am clear
W- Don’t know much about history
O- Learn about history
T – Don’t have insight

Non Academic Account

Alhamdulillah, I got the car. My father already sent it. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I felt very grateful to have the car. I still remember when I had on call, I don’t have a car to go home. The taxi asked RM50 to go home. Then I had to call my friend that was sleeping to take me. It makes me felt so terrible. I cried that night.

Allah had answered my prayer. I can go to hospital often. I can use the car for dakwah. Alhamdulillah.

I hope that I can always remember the things that had been told by Assyahid Hassan Al Banna. When once asked by a journalist to introduce himself, Hasan Al ¬Banna said: "I am a traveler seeking the truth, a human searching for the meaning of humani¬ty and a citizen seeking dignity, freedom, stability and welfare under the shade of Islam. I am a free man who is aware of the purpose of his existence and who pro¬claims: "Truly, my prayer and my sacrifice, my living and my dying are all for Allah, the Lord of the worlds; no partner has He. This, am I commanded and I am of those who submit to His Will:' This is who I am. Who are you?"

S- Now I already had the car
W – Don’t use the car for goodness
O- I can use the car for dakwah and study
T – Becoming worse after had the car

Pledge

O Allah! You are my Lord, there is no god but You. You created me and I am your slave, I uphold your pledge and evil that I have committed. I acknowledge your blessing upon me and Iacknowledge my sin. So forgive me, for none can forgive can forgive sins except you.

Week 2 Pediatric Posting..

Week 2 Pediatric Posting

Academic Account

Alhamdulillah, I am now in second week of pediatric posting. I am still blurred about the system. I am blurred on writing the case write up. I am blurred with the system itself. I found myself was in a difficult situation.

I tried to be positive each time I am scolded. There were too many things that I don’t even know. Sometimes it was really difficult to ask to anyone here. But there were still few people that are truly helpful.

I think that there were too many things to learn. During our pre clinical year, we are assessed during OSCE according to the question that we had asked. But now we need to present the case. Too many things need to be asked even about fever. I really hope that there were lecturers that can teach us all that and listened to our presentation so that we know about our mistakes.

I had opportunity to see a bronchiectasis patient that had a kyphoscoliosis this week. I had also seen a Prader Willi syndrome patient. There are many more things to read during weekend.

S – Still following ward round and ready to be scolded
w- Cannot be independent
o- Improving and revising during weekend
t – Being so blurred with pediatric

Non Academic Account

There were not so much things to do during the weekend except doing revision. But I had the opportunity to meet the juniors in the college.

This week also we will have usrah back. Usrah is something that I missed for a long time. It is really sad when the study cycle doen’t take place for two weeks. I felt my soul was really emptied. I like bioethics presented by Prof M. It gives back motivation when I learned about Moses Maimonides prayer.

I hope the usrah will fill back my soul.

S- usrah had been a great motivation
w- Feel empty
o- Tried to listen on the lectures on the internet
t – Not motivated

Pledge
I hope that I can be motivated for the coming week.

Week 1 Pediatric Posting...

Week 1 Pediatric Posting

I had to write log book in my college every week. This was the writing that I wrote in my log book…

Academic Account

Alhamdulillah, I already started third year. It is like a dream for me as I am not so good like others. I am blurred with the system at first as I don’t really know the things that I should do. I learned and remember more by following ward round. I am not so good in memorizing but when I look at the sign, I remember better. For example, I remember about broncholitis obliterans, Harrison’s sulcus, pectus carinatum, intercostals recession when I look at the sign.

I learned a lot of things. Iman and I went to the hospital at night. I felt that the doctor there was more helpful during night. They are more relaxed at that time and ready to teach something. But they don’t really had time if we met them at the morning as they’re terribly busy to prepare for the ward round.

This week, I manage to see venopuncture. I felt sad for the baby. I don’t felt that I want to become pediatrician as I am afraid to handle tiny babies. I also experienced to follow my patient to take x ray. For the first time in life, I saw the procedure on taking babies’ x ray.

Hmm…Sometimes I felt that I am bringing my feeling while doing my work. I felt like I want to cry when I met one child that gone to die soon as she had multiple complex CHD. I am attaching to that child. I love to play with her. I felt motivated to see her mom. I also felt that a doctor should not be arrogance. Doctor doesn’t have any power. Even though they seem to know everything, they just have their limitation. Allah with His name AlQahhar can do anything.

This week also, I lost my punch card. I need to do a police report and made a new card. I just use it for one day and it lost. Allah knows best. The good thing that I learned through this experience was to give salam to anyone that you met. I met one woman in the lift and I gave her salam. Then only I knew that she works at administration unit. When I met her again, she helps me a lot. Salam is something easy to do and it makes my life easier.

S – I have good stamina
W - I am still confuse regarding clinical year
O – Met the doctor and present in front of them
T – Shyness

Non Academic Account

I went fo sunathon in Kampung Pa Ba in Terengganu. We don’t go for sunathon in Kelantan. I don’t know the exact feeling. I felt stressed as the bus plan to go back to KL at 10 pm Saturday but then they said that the bus was break down and we need to go back to KL on Sunday morning. We had already paid RM100 for the ticket and need to face all these things.

I already knew that everything that happens in my life has already being planned by Allah and that must be the best. But sometimes, it is terribly hard to face everything with open heart.

Another thing that makes be little bit sad is that we just need to handle pre and post procedure only. We can’t handle the circumcision. The total number of the children is about 30. The MA there is about 25. The student from Rusia, UK, and Mesir is about 60. We are just coming from far away to handle pre and post procedure. I do think that they can handle it. It is just so easy.

But then I reflect back, should I have become sad for that thing? I should be humble. I am just His servant. It might be not so worth it to go but it might be the test that Allah gave me to see my humbleness. I hope that I can wash back my heart that was so dirty.

I had opportunity to teach the children there about Islam. I teach them simple nasyid like ‘Anak Nabi’. Sometimes it is really sad to see that they don’t even know about Rasulullah SAW. Allah wants to teach me regarding the reality of the ummah. I hope that I can do something for the ummah in the future.

S - I just realize that I can get close toward children
W- Difficult to accept everything with open heart
O – Go to any program and try to seek the hikmah
T – Easily stress

Pledge
I hope that I can finish all the works that I plan.

Try...

I said to one of the sisters when I attend programmes that I don’t know how to approach others. She asked me one question, “Have you try?” I said no. Then she said, “Actually if you haven’t tried, you don’t know your ability”. Hmm…Let’s try…

I love this Tamil song...

Every flower tells us that life is a battle on a battlefield

Every flower tells us that life is a battle on a battlefield
Every new dawn tells us When there is night, day will come too
One needs belief in one's life
Goals will definitely succeed one day
Mind! O Mind! Change yourself
Even if it's a mountain, or snow, face it and fight

One's mind should never falter
One should never think 'What kind of life is this?'
Is there a human mind In which there are no wounds?
As time passes wounds are tricks of magic that disappear
Only strong stones Can become statues on soil
Only the mind that pains Can see permanent joy
Who doesn't have battles?
Why tears in your eyes?
If you see a dream
And attempt it well
It will materialise in a day
Mind! O Mind! Change yourself
Even if it's a mountain, or snow, face it and fight
Every flower tells us that life is a battle on a battlefield
Every new dawn tells us When there is night, day will come too

Let us recite a poem of wishing
Let us think of the height of the sky
Let us breathe hard work like our life breath
A hundred thousand dreams in your eyes
All your goals in your heart
There is no one to win you
Fight with determination

Oh man! If one wounds your heart
And puts it in the soil, a tree will sprout
And humiliation and failure Will all come about

Is there a history without failure?
Do not fret my friend
If you have a destination
And it has clarity You can even claim the sky

Mind! O Mind! Change yourself
Even if it's a mountain, or snow, face it and fight
Every flower tells us that life is a battle on a battlefield
Every new dawn tells us When there is night, day will come too
One needs belief in one's life
Goals will definitely succeed one day
Mind! O Mind! Change yourself
Mind! O Mind! Change yourself
Even if it's a mountain, or snow, face it and fight

Believing...

I love this song...Islam made me strong...Believing, mission to keep climbing...

Even when the thunder and storm begins
I'll be standing strong like a tree in the wind
Nothing's gonna move this mountain
Or change my direction

I'm falling off the sky
And I'm all alone
The courage that's inside is gonna break my fall
Nothing's gonna dim my light within

But if I keep going on
It will never be impossible
Not today

'Cause I got something to believe in
As long as I'm breathing
There is not a limit to what I can dream
'Cause I got something to believe in
Mission to keep climbing
Nothing else can stop me if I just believe
And I believe in me

Even when the world tries to pull me down
Tell me that I can try to turn me around
I won't let them put my fire out, without no
But if I keep going on
It will never be impossible
Not today

Yes, I got something to believe in
As long as I'm breathing
There is not a limit to what I can dream
'Cause I got something to believe in
Mission to keep climbing
Nothing else can stop me if I just believe
And I believe

I can do it all
Open every door
Turn unthinkable to reality
You see, I can do it all and more

Believing, as long as I'm breathing
There is not a limit to what I can dream
Believing, mission to keep climbing
Nothing else can stop me if I just believe
And I believe in me

Can i add another phrase?...And i believe in Allah...

Death, mirror...

Death

One of my friends told me that she was tired. She asked for my advice. Actually I am also tired. But I know that Allah send her to me. I know by giving her advice I am also motivating myself. When you remind other people actually you are reminding yourself. I told her the advice that one of my friends told me last time that death is a great reminder. Just think about death.

Mirror

One of my relative faced a critical situation when her husband married another woman. I told my mom that it is really important in life that when we love someone, we must love him for the sake of Allah. If we love him because of himself, we will be hurt every times he does something that we don’t like. But if we love him for the sake of Allah, we will not be affected by whatever he does. My brother heard the things that I said.

When I am stressed with a load of work, my brother reminds me about the things that I said. I ask him back the relationship with the stress that I face. He said to me that if I do something for the sake of doing work, I will felt tired. But when I do it for the sake of Allah, there is no stress actually. Sometimes whatever you said is a mirror. It will be reflected back. But one thing to be remembered was that every single good thing that you said is just from Allah.

Eskimo..

The best businessman is someone that can sell refrigerator to the Eskimos. Do you want to know who the best daie is?

The best daie is someone that can make Muslim around them to believe in their religion. Muslims nowadays do not believe in their religion. They seek other things as guidance. And now the duty of daie is to bring them to see that their religion is actually the best, Islam is the guidance and Islam is complete for the whole life.

Hmm…my problem right now is how I can make someone that already know all things about dakwah to believe in dakwah and can allow me to do my work… Ya Allah, please help me…

Hurt...

I seek programme outside college. I knew that I can’t survive by only following the usrah in the college. I joined a lot of big event in college, but I can felt that I myself am lack in the aspect of tarbiah. I felt that I must find a way for tarbiah.

Alhamdulillah, Allah shows me the way. Allah made me met the sisters that are really ambitious about dakwah. Allah made me met A that is good in dakwah. From the moment, I knew that my life is not only about improving myself but also about improving other people.

Everyone loves A. I love to follow A’s lecture. Each time I chat with A, A asks me, how is the dakwah? Where have you go? Long time I never see you in programmes, where are you right now? Each time A ask me the question, I felt very hurt. A had delivered all the things on dakwah to me. But still I am doing nothing.

I tried my best to write the issue on dakwah, but still I know dakwah is not only about writing. It is also about meeting with people and told them about Islam. But I can’t do it. I am terribly weak in approaching others.

Each time I remembered A’s lecture on Syahadatul Haq, I felt the pain. I don’t really know how to organize dakwah in my college. I can approach my friends outside there that are not studying in my college, but I can’t approach my friends around me.

Why? It is because I am not good like them in academic. The pain is bleeding. I can’t tell more…

Polygamy...

I just want to write about one of my lecturer.. I will not expose the identity of the lecturer..It can be anyone...It can be someone that teach me during matriculation or it can be someone that teach me right now...or it can also be someone that i met outside..it can be anyone...and what i can say is that..the person is not important..the story is more important...

This lecturer is 40+ male..He told us about the story that have been told by his wife...About polygamy..His wife friend's want a divorce because the husband want to marry his own student...

What can you say about the story? My lecturer told us that story and ask us to think..He said that as a woman, you must be patient..He don't say that the guy is correct either...He just ask us as women to be patient if we face the same thing in life...Just think about your child and think about the consequences of divorce..

But i look at the story from different angle..i felt that the lecturer's wife want to tell something to him..This is the dialogue that his wife want to tell him actually..i am just creating it...(it is like i am a psychiatrist who can look beyond something:=)...This is the dialogue - "My dear husband, you must beware..you must take a good care about your relation between you and your student..it is not impossible if one day you will said that you want to marry your student"..but the only thing is that..his wife just cannot tell him all the phrases..she want to tell from different angle..she is just being nice...she hope that her husband could understand her..but just sometimes her husband is so blurred to understand her feeling...

Being a woman made me understand women better...i am agree with the book written by John Gray..men are from mars ; women are from venus...there are too many differences between men and women..i am suggesting others to read that book:)

Photos..

I haven't updating this blog for a long time. I don't have a good mood to write in English....

Something happen that make me want to write back in this blog..I felt very sad..sometimes people are not serious with what i thought as serious...

I don't want to accuse others even though i am terribly sad for what had happen..i believe that is the way that Allah want to correct me..i must have already do something that Allah don't want me to do..and Allah remind me in other way...

I don't really like my picture to be distributed easily..Sometime people just add the photos in the friendster and other place as well without asking my permission...

i just don't know what to say...something that i felt as serious is not serious anymore to other person...sometimes i felt that i am becoming worst in this place...

I just don't like the picture that i take just for my girlfriend to keep to themselves, to be shown to a guy..i just don't like it..if you really want to add photos anywhere, you must ask the permission from the owner...you must put appropriate picture as well...i just don't understand why certain people thought it as a joke...i can take it as a joke if all the people that look at it is a female...sorry to say that...

One thing that i learn from this incident is that...don't ever let anybody to take your picture...and less picture in future...i just hate my pictures to be capture anymore...

Guilty...

Ya Allah, today my journey is totally different. Yesterday, I just read about what happen in Palestine and I cried a lot. And today everything change...

Ya Allah, I already fast for three days. Every time I am fasting and when it comes to Maghrib, I felt very guilty to eat my food. I am thinking a lot about my brothers, my sisters, my fathers, my mothers, my children and everyone in Palestine. But I am not fasting today and eat a lot today.

Ya Allah, everything happens when my lecturer asks us to eat with our Sudanese friends that came far away from Sudan. I need to think between two, whether to fast (sunnah) or take care the ukhwah (bond) with our Sudanese friends (wajib). So I chose not to fast.

Ya Allah, I ate Lasagna. It is about RM13.90. Hmm..i drank Sprite . My mentor is the one that spend his money most to treat us. But still I felt guilty. I am eating the delicious food while my brothers and sisters in Palestine were dying for food.

Ya Allah, I really hope and pray that one day all of us will realize about Palestine. I hope my colleagues and all my Muslim brothers and sisters will remember Palestine in their heart and will do something for Palestine.

Pizza in his pocket

Did you ever hear about the boy
Who ate and ate and ate!
He ate early in the morning
And he ate when it was late.

But he didn’t thank Allah for all the yummy food he had
And he ate so much it made him sick!
Which really made him sad.

He ate dates in Damascus, which he thought were very nice.
And hot samoosas in Sumatra, seasoned with a special spice.

He had tacos in Tijuana with some sauce he got from Spain
And a bowl of fresh bakalava that he bartered in Bahrain.

He said gyros made in Cairo are a taste that can’t be beat,
And the lemonade in Yemen made a very special treat.

But the turkey made in Turkey
Could still use a pinch of salt.
If you ever visit Malta, you should
Have a chocolate malt!

He had pizza in his pocket, he had ketchup on his shirt,
And he bought an ice-cream sundae, so he wouldn’t miss dessert.
He had pizza in his pocket, he had ketchup on his shirt,
And he bought an ice-cream sundae, so he wouldn’t miss dessert.


On a bay in the Bahamas,
He ate bon-bons in a bunch.
And then he rushed back
Home so he could make it
Just in time for lunch!

Then one day he saw a little girl, who held her tummy tight,
And he walked over and asked her if everything was alright.

She said she was so hungry and had been hungry for so long,
Then he realized the way he ate was very very wrong.

He looked down at his own tummy and he started feeling pain-
Pain from eating too much food, but he knew not to complain.
So he brought the girl some food, shared it with her family,
Then they thanked Allah for what they had, and then he let them be.

So let’s try to learn a lesson and let’s try to do what’s right.
Eat the food your parents give you without a fuss or fight.

Always be thankful to Allah for all your yummy food,
Share what you have with others, because not sharing is rude.

Being thankful is what’s really great.
Eat the veggies on your plate.

And don’t be like the boy who always ate and ate and ate!

He had pizza in his pocket, he had ketchup on his shirt,
And he bought an ice-cream sundae, so he wouldn’t miss dessert.
He had pizza in his pocket, he had ketchup on his shirt,
And he bought an ice-cream sundae, so he wouldn’t miss dessert.

Being thankful is what’s really great.
Eat the veggies on your plate.

And don’t be like the boy who always ate and ate and ate!

Sorry..

I am sorry if i hurt anyone. I don't mean it. Allahu A'lam. I felt that i am not living longer even though i want it so that i can contribute to Islam. It is just some kind of feeling.

I am now writing a novel. I really hope that i can finished it at least before i die. Huhu.. i just don't really know what happens to me right now. Ya Allah,please forgive me..

Pain..

Ya Allah, it is too painful. The pain is unbearable tonight. I know that You want to clean me from all the sins that i did. I realize that i am doing too many sins during the usrah today. I felt like dying listening to my naqibah. There are too many sins that i did.

Ya Allah, i wish that You could forgive me. I will try my best to bear the pain. I know i should face it so that You will not punished me in mahsyar. I hope that it will make me emotionally better and i could find solace behind all these.

Concentration...

Ya Allah, someone told me that if i can be khusyu' in solat, then i can concentrate in my study. It is because khusyu' is something that is so difficult to achieve.

Ya Allah, i am sad as i can't become khusyu' in my solat. I just missed my 3rd rakaat just now while praying. I am so sad for that. What happens to me, Ya Rabb? Why it is so difficult for me to concentrate??

Ya Allah, i can't concentrate in my study also. I am lost in my own world. I am blurred almost all the time. I knew that i am anemic. I also knew that anemic can cause poor concentration. Is it because of that, Ya Rabb??

Ya Allah, i am sinner. I have done a lot of wrong thing. Is it because of that i can't concentrate? Forgive me, Ya Rabb. Thanks, Ya Rabb for the test. It makes me realize about all the wrong doing that i did.

I have no cannons that roar..

This song is from the album of the same title with the beautiful singing voice of Dino Merlin. The songs are dedicated to all the Muslim Bosnians and to the memory of Dr Irfan Ljubijankic who was sadly killed towards the end of the Bosnian war in 1995 when the helicopter he was flying in was shot down by a Serb rocket. He had been visiting his beloved home town of Bihac, at that time the front line against the attacking forces. A few months earlier in his role as the Foreign Minister of Bosnia he had been in London. Whilst there he met Yusuf Islam to whom he gave a rough cassette of a song he had written and recorded at home, entitled 'Have No Cannons That Roar', the title track of this album.

I have no cannons that roar
But I have faith in God and love
And I'll surrender you to no one else
My mother, Bosnia, my love

Those hated tanks that crush
Cannot break the power of my Una
Nor the sun's gleaming waterfall drops
I'll defend you with my last breath

I'll defend this bit of happiness
A flame in my heart, and the tears of my son
The mercy of God, and the door of my house
Like a light at the end of my journey

And your warm eyes
And the dear lights of Bihaca
Burn in my heart tonight
In death victory comes
Don't look for my grave
Freedom will come
When I'm gone I'll be everywhere:
In a warm breeze from the Una
In the rippling and trickling river
In the smile of the child
In the blue sky of Bihaca

You will know how to find me
For everyone else I'm just a secret
And when you smell those sweet fragrance of flowers
It's the perfume of my soul

And your warm eyes
and the dear lights of Bihaca
Burn in my heart tonight
In death victory comes
Don't look for my grave
Freedom will come
When I'm gone I'll be everywhere

I have no cannons that roar
But I have faith in God and love
And I'll surrender you to no one else
My mother, Bosnia, my love

Intention..

Sometimes i really felt alone in my journey. And i know that Allah is there for me. Sometimes i can felt that people around me are bored with me, but i know that Allah is always there to listen for me.

I know that no one can understand the pain that i face, but i know that Allah knows. He knows me well. I am happy when i think about Him. I felt relieved.