I prayed to Allah to beautify iman in my heart. The most memorable moment during my elective happened in Ramadan. I can felt that Allah is so close to me.
When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant whe1n he calleth on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way. (Surah Al Baqarah:186)
In that verse Allah said that He is close to His servant. Allah knows everything. No matter what, inside or out, there is one thing of which there is no doubt, Allah knows.
Being in A&E made me familiar with death. And sometimes death was something normal for me.
There once I see a Chinese patient died. I do not feel anything. No sense of empathy in the children who pay tribute at his father's last. I do not feel anything.
I also saw an Indian family mourn the death of their mother. Worst, I smiled at that time. Why do they act like this? I can felt that my heart becoming likes a stone with every passing day. I whisper to Allah that I should not become like this
"O Allah, does my heart getting sicker?”
No doubt that Allah listens to our whisper. Allah gave me one experience to teach me about death.
That morning there was a young woman brought into Red Zone. She had a difficulty in breathing. But doctors do not perform active management because she was diagnosed with colorectal carcinoma. She is on palliative care. No CPR, nothing to do. They just fit instruments to take readings of Sp02 and blood pressure. They also put cardiac monitor in her chest. Then everyone left. Everybody knows she will eventually go whatsoever. I was left alone with her at that time.
I can see that the heart beat is gradually decreasing. Allah inspires me to recite syahadah in her ears. Honestly I never saw any dying human before and that was my first experience.
What happened? Although these women are not moving, her pupil already dilated but each time syahadah being recited, her heart beat will increase, become static and then back down. That happened several times. It made me feels so afraid, I started to cry. Everyone said that a doctor should not cry but I am terribly afraid. I could feel the woman struggled with the agony. I also feel that the angel of death is too close to me. I do not know the explanation of what happened from the medical point of view. Doctors have also mentioned about the PEA but I do not really understand it. I continue reading Lailahaillallah. Finally, her heart rate down to 30 and then become asystole showing that she is death.
Each soul has its Given Date. Her soul already meets with its Eternal Fate. I then helped remove all equipment is in patient's body. I tried all my best efforts to remove it slowly. Her mother came in at that moment. I cannot utter a word. I hate myself. Sometimes I am weak and I felt that I cannot become a doctor. I am not professional. Only Allah knows the reason behind everything. Only Allah knows why He chose me to become a doctor.
That woman was only 34 year old. She is so young. It made me think about something. Tomorrow could be my Day. Who know?
After completion of my business, I run to the prayer room. That Dhuha prayer is the most meaningful Dhuha prayer in my life, hoping for mercy and forgiveness from Allah.
The story doesn’t stop there. Back from the prayer room, I continue my task as usual. There is a PC that open reading AlQuran and Allah gave me a strong jolt when the reading that time - kullu nafsin dzaiqatul maut - every soul will taste death. I can feel that Allah is very close. I am afraid with what had happen. Allah knows that I am getting worst everyday and He remind me with the experience.
53:43 That it is He Who granteth Laughter and Tears;
53:43 That it is He Who granteth Laughter and Tears;